Last Sunday I had a near death experience at the gym.
I went to take a boot camp class and it was so tough. I was literally fighting for my life, next to buff girls who made me felt like a saggy sack of potatoes. At the time all I could think of was “Why am I doing this and am I gonna die?”
I started aggressively working out a few months back. After I broke my ankle, I kept getting anxiety of gaining weight. I also noticed that my face has gotten rounder comparing to two years ago when I stopped dancing regularly and totally freaked out about my metabolism slowing down. I signed up for Classpass and started going to all kinds of gym classes every morning. From HHIT, lifting, and CrossFit, to barre, boxing, and Pilates, my body is constantly overwhelmed. I also begin to practice intermittent fasting, eat disgustingly healthy, and become obsessed with counting calories. Those who are close to me know that I use to be the girl who ate whatever she wanted and however much she wanted. My biggest motto in life is to experience culture through food. But now I’ve shamefully become a calorie–counting B. If I eat a slice of pizza, I have to starve myself the next meal. The best and worth part about this is that when you start seeing results, it becomes even more addicting.
Sunday night I had a heart-to-heart with Kenny about my recent behavior towards food and fitness. I realize I’m so much less happy now that I try to lead a “healthier lifestyle”. Every time I eat something all that’s going through my head are things like “Is this low carb? How many calories? How many pushups do I need to do after?” Eating went from an enjoyment to a guilt trip. I’m only happy when feeling hungry and sore.
I’ve lost my balance.
Two nights ago I didn’t know what to get for dinner so I went to Pret and grabbed something that’s only 380 calories. I went to take a really difficult Pilates class the next morning on an empty stomach and got my period the same day. I then didn’t eat anything until noon and only had a kale salad for lunch. Yesterday afternoon I was feeling all kinds of dizzy and fatigue and needed to leave work early to go home. As I was struggling to walk home (didn’t want to take the subway because walking burns more calories), for the first time in months I became aware of how ridiculous this whole thing is. I’m 5’6ft and weigh 120 lbs. I meditate daily, have a healthy muscle to body fat racial, and am overall in good shape. Two years ago I probably weighed 108 lbs with little muscle and couldn’t even do a pushup. Now that I’ve gained a little more weight I look so much healthier and stronger than before. So yea, I don’t need to lose weight.
After this epiphany the first thing I did was to go get bubble tea. Sweet things do sometimes comfort our body and soul.
In the end, I think I’m still going to continue working out regularly and eat relatively healthy. But I’m also going to try my best to find that balance and not let fitness get in the way of being happy. I’ll tell myself it’s ok to skip a day at the gym or have a green tea Frappuccino, and that I can still be pretty even with a rounder face.
Maybe this could be the idea for my next tattoo.