This is Mon.
It’s been 4 years since our breakup.
We’ve never properly addressed the pain we caused each other. It was my fault, I betrayed you first by doing something stupid, and you acted out. You gave me the worst panic attacks of my life, left me completely broken. At the time I didn’t understand that you were protecting me. I thought I somehow activated this monster in my mind that will always come back and attack me. Not only we stopped being friends, you became my worst nightmare.
I went into therapy, did all kinds of training, created an arsenal to defend myself against you. I was deeply convinced that the only way to find inner peace is by controlling you. Little did I know the immune system I built around myself is the reason why I’m so anxious. I lost touch with my better half.
Fast forward 4 years, my naive self thinks that we’d made peace long ago. I’ve moved on with my life to a much happier place, my safe haven without you.
But still, I never trusted you again.
I’m terrified of you.
The day you came back, I realized you never left. You were just buried somewhere in my mind and slowly sprouting. And I was the one who nurtured you with suspicion, rejection, and fear. I painted the darkest picture around your existence. I feel overwhelmed. I feel hopeless.
It was me. I did this to you. The truth is this whole time you are just looking out for my best interest, our best interest. The emotions you made me feel were never there to hurt me, and you’ve always been my most loyal companion.
Today I finally understand.
I want to heal.
I no longer need to fight you. I no longer need to be afraid.
Because you are me, and I am you.