I’ve been really sick this whole week.
Came down with a serious case of acute gastritis after the holidays and my stomach has been in so much pain. Feels like someone repeatedly punched me in the ribs. On top of that my left hip tendonitis got worse and it’s painful to walk. I’m getting an endoscopy and hip MRI next week. My period is 2 weeks late. Fun :) I can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t workout, can’t focus on anything. When your body is in this much shit nothing else matters. I just want the rest of the world to fuck off.
One of these suffering nights I re-watched “Call Me By Your Name”. Maybe it’s because I’m PMSing, but Elio’s heartfelt conversation with his Dad at the end had me sobbing uncontrollably. I quote: “ In your place, if there is pain, nurse it. And if there is a flame, don’t snuff it out. Don’t be brutal with it. We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster, that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to make yourself feel nothing so as not to feel anything ― what a waste! “
I continue to quote: “Just remember, our hearts and our bodies are given to us only once, and before you know it, your heart’s worn out. And as for your body, there comes a point when no one looks at it, much less wants to come near it. Right now, there’s sorrow, pain; don’t kill it, and with it, the joy you’ve felt.”
No other words needed. This shit is gold. So raw, so real, and so fucking relatable.
My monkey mind started wondering the age old question: If attraction between two people originated as nature’s way to help us reproduce, why do we have romantic feelings? Why are those feelings so intense sometimes? Do animals feel that way too before they mate with each other? Or is this something that makes us fundamentally human?